


This Is Not A Dream

by QQI25



Category: Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them (Movies)
Genre: Abuse, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Child Abuse, Non-Graphic Rape/Non-Con
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-04
Updated: 2018-03-04
Packaged: 2019-03-26 16:57:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,591
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13861971
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/QQI25/pseuds/QQI25
Summary: Days with Ma are dark days. She's very harsh, but Credence is used to it. In a way, he can't blame her. He's deserving of punishment. He's bad. He knows that.





	This Is Not A Dream

**Author's Note:**

> hello here's a fic i've been done w for like legit at least a yr now, but nvr posted??? anyway, i hope u enjoy!

Days with Ma are dark days. She's very harsh, but Credence is used to it. In a way, he can't blame her. He's deserving of punishment. He's bad. He knows that. But he can't help but feel mad at her for mistreating all the other kids. They're very little; he's the oldest, and right now he's only ten. None of them deserve to be treated meanly, but that's the only way she ever knows how to talk to them. She uses them all. He knows that. All she really wants is to spread her message. Credence thinks her message is really mean. It's about how witches are bad, and witches are among us, and witches should die. She calls it a Second Salem. He knows what Salem is. Salem is a village from a long long time ago, and they murdered everyone they thought was a witch. They burned them, and stoned them, and hanged them, and drowned them. It sounds very scary. He doesn't want that to ever happen to anyone, no matter who they are. 

\---

Credence has a secret. He thinks he has magic. Once, he made the lights flicker when he was upset, and they started swinging. And then the mirror in his room had cracked in the corner too. That was bad. It was a bit ironic really, that the day he realized he might have magic would be the day he made a mirror crack. Ever since then, he's tried to control his temper and magic. Out of sight, out of mind, right? If Ma ever found out he had magic, she would not be happy in the least. He might even _die_ at the hands of his foster mother. That thought always makes him shudder. 

\--- 

He has taken to drawing. He sneaks some of the pamphlets in his pockets and takes them up to his room, where he takes a pencil and mindlessly doodles on them. They're more abstract things, really. He doesn't really know what to make of them. There's been drawings of people, and more of them that just consist of what looks like smoke, or clouds. He keeps it hidden away where he's sure Ma won't be able to find them. He can't help but feel proud of his drawings. These are his. His mind created these pictures for him to draw, and he'd feel terrible if Ma found them and threw them away. So he keeps them hidden, a part of him that no one knows about. A part of him that's not tainted. A part of him that's only his. 

\--- 

He's 16. The pain of Ma's punishment is something he's used to, and he's a bit numb to it now. He feels like sometimes he goes somewhere else when it takes particularly long. So it's not like he minds it, really. He deserves it anyway. And more importantly, it keeps his sisters from being punished, because he's the only one that receives corporal punishment. Maybe it's because she knows he has magic. Maybe it's because he's a boy. It doesn't matter. All that matters to Credence is that his sisters don't ever get punished physically. Because he can't exactly stop emotional punishment, but he tries his best to comfort them and make sure they don't actually think they're worthless. Because they aren't. _He_ is though, and he knows it, and that's good, because he knows what to expect of life, and no one expects anything from him. 

\---

The first time he meets Mr. Graves, he's passing out pamphlets. When isn't he, though? That's the only thing he does outside. Someone knocks into him and Mr. Graves helps him pick up the pamphlets. It's winter, and he's cold, and he's shivering, but trying not to because Ma was already kind enough to give him what outerwear he has on. He stutters out a thank you and Mr. Graves nods and walks away. He watches Mr. Graves go and feels his body getting warm. The shivering ceases, and he hopes whatever happened to make the cold ease stays as long as he's outside. (It does. It stays until he walks back home.) 

\---

He’s started noticing a lady that comes to the rallies. She’s pretty ordinary, pretty inconspicuous. She has short black hair, and always stands in the center towards the back. If you weren’t looking for someone in particular, you probably wouldn’t notice her. He knows Ma hasn’t noticed her, or she would’ve called her out by now. But Credence does. Credence notices her because they have few people that _always_ attend the rallies, and there’s also something, or rather some _things_ different about her. She doesn't really seem to agree with what Ma says. Sometimes Credence notices her nose wrinkling in disgust. He’s glad he’s not the only one that doesn’t like what Ma’s saying. Another weird thing is how she always seems to keep her hand in her pocket. Some rallies, if Ma has said something particularly despicable, Credence sees the lady’s lips moving. After that, as Ma is gesturing her hands again, little sparks will fly from her fingertips. Small occurrences like that. Credence doesn’t feel as bad after that. 

\---

One day after a rally, Ma is furious. She’s made lots of hateful remarks attacking witches, which means many little things have happened to make it look like _she_ is the one who is a witch. She takes it out on Credence, says it must be _him_ that did that. She hisses that he isn’t allowed to eat dinner tonight, and holds out her hand impatiently for his belt, whipping him before she forces him to go up to his room. He doesn’t much mind. He’s missed meals before. Now he has ample time to draw. He feels like he’s really improved since the first time he tried his hand at drawing. It aches though, his hand does. The only thing he doesn’t like about this evening is how he can’t go see Mr. Graves and have him heal the wounds on his hand and back. 

The next day, he’s at home and Ma’s at a rally. Most of the kids are out passing pamphlets now. There’s a couple of knocks on the door. No one goes to get it, so Credence tentatively heads down the stairs and to the door. It’s the witch from the rallies. 

_**Hello**_ , she says. _**Can I come in and talk to you?**_ Credence steps back wordlessly and allows her to come in, mounting the stairs and heading somewhere they won’t be seen by people entering. He sits down and avoids her eyes, opting to toy with the railing instead of respond. 

_**I suppose I should introduce myself, seeing as I’ve barged into your place of residence. I’m Porpentina Goldstein, but most people call me Tina. I’ve come because I noticed you weren’t at the rally today as usual, and got worried. Are you alright?**_ He doesn’t respond for a bit, and she just waits patiently. 

_**Are you a witch?**_ He asks quietly. He sees her eyes widen slightly and curls in upon himself. _**Sorry that was a bad question I’m sorry I won’t talk anymore.**_

_**Oh no no it’s okay. I’m not gonna do anything to you. I promise. What’s your name? I only want to help you. And yes I am a witch. But that’s usually not something No-majs - people without magic - notice.** _

_**Credence.**_ He almost tells her that he thinks he has magic, but decides against it. Noticing her eyes wandering and catching sight of his hand, he quickly moves to hide them.

_**Credence. Who gave those to you? Was it that lady at the rally? Did she do this to you?** _

_**I - yeah. But she-she only does it when I deserve it.** _

_**Can I see your hands?**_ He extends them and she takes them in hers gently. His hands are trembling. _**Do you think you deserved this? At least this time?**_ He hesitates. No, not really. But he has to, right? Otherwise she wouldn’t have done it. But it wasn’t him. He knows it was Ms. Goldstein. He looks down. 

_**No**_ , he whispers. He hears her whisper something and feels his hand tingling. She’s mending it. _**No**_ , he repeats, a little louder. _**I - she thought it was me, at-at the rally. Or may-maybe she just wanted to punish me. B-but I know it was you, Miss Goldstein. Th-the little sparks and stuff.**_ His voice fades to a whisper as he speaks the last two sentences. She’s gonna get mad at him for accusing her. He retracts his hands and looks up into her face before his eyes dart away. He doesn’t miss the worry or sadness there though.

_**I'm sorry. I was so mad hadn’t really thought about how it would affect you.**_ He shrugs in response. No one really does. It's something he's used to. 

He hears the door opening and looks down. It's Ma. His hands tighten on the railing and he looks up at Miss Goldstein. She stands up and he thinks she's gonna leave, but she just takes a couple step backs so she can't be seen when Ma comes up. 

Ma looks like she can barely contain how livid she is. She thrusts her hand out and he unbuckles his belt and gives it to her with trembling hands. When she steps closer, the belt goes down to the ground beside Credence. Ma turns around and notices Miss Goldstein. She goes to retrieve the belt but Miss Goldstein spells it away again. 

_**It's gonna be okay, Credence. It's gonna be okay.**_ Miss Goldstein has crouched down next to him and rested a hand lightly on his shoulder. Her voice is shaking slightly as she says this, but her tone is urgent. 

\--- 

He doesn't see her at rallies anymore.

\---

When his 17th birthday comes, he doesn't feel any different. Being with Ma means not really knowing the days, because she doesn't have a calendar, or at least not one that she keeps in sight of the kids. It's all the same routine day in and day out, which means he's stopped trying to remember what day it is. In fact, he forgets all about it until he hears someone saying the date as they walk past him. So he takes home some more pamphlets than usual so he can make more drawings. Maybe one day he'll have more art supplies. Then he could add as many colours as he'd like. That'd be nice.

\---

The first time he sees Miss Goldstein show up at a rally after her long absence, she's eating a hot dog. He smiles a tiny bit to himself, knowing it's probably to restrain herself from doing magic. However, he can't help but notice people bumping into her and feel bothered on her part. There's one man that catches his eye in particular, a man in blue, a blue that's a much brighter color than what anyone else is wearing (he soon catches the eye of everybody). 

The hubbub interrupts Ma’s speech, and Credence can tell she's peeved. The man in blue has bumped into another man, and everyone stops listening momentarily to look. 

_**You, friend. What drew you to our meeting today?**_ The man in blue looks bewildered at her question. Credence feels bad for him. He knows he would be horribly embarrassed at being singled out and focused on. 

_**I was just passing through.** _

_**Are you a seeker of truth?**_ She's gesturing again. 

_**I'm more of a chaser, actually.**_ The man in blue dashes up the bank stairs and he's gone. Credence has got to say it's about one of the oddest things he's witnessed. What he said seems to be an inside joke Credence doesn't understand. He notices Miss Goldstein keeping an eye on the man in blue and wonders for a moment whether he is a wizard as well. 

\---

If Credence is being honest with himself, he doesn't really think he likes Mr. Graves anymore. He always talks about “the child” and how he must have “the child”. Most of the time he keeps his voice even, but sometimes, it comes out sounding greedy and possessive. Credence feels bad feeling anything negative towards Mr. Graves. Mr. Graves has done so much to help Credence and here he is badmouthing Mr. Graves in his head. But sometimes his hands stray low, stray to Credence’s pants and Credence wants to tell him not to, tell him to stop, but he doesn't. All that comes out is a whimper and Mr. Graves keeps going and Credence can feel his body reacting to it but it all feels bad and it feels wrong and he wants to cry and all he wants is just someone to hold him. He doesn't wanna be used anymore. 

\--- 

Credence can't deny it anymore. Sometimes he has episodes and loses time. It happens when he's agitated. He just blacks out, and with everything going on, it's happened more often lately. The times that he _does_ remains conscious, he sees things so so terrible he'd rather wake up so confused and so disoriented it scares the shit out of him. He sees so much destruction: streets torn up, cars thrown on their sides, and then ends up just floating above. He's sure he's the one doing all this, and more often than not, he wishes he were dead when he's back in his body, curled up in a ball with his eyes wide open so he doesn't have to relive anything. 

\---

It's crawling restlessly under his skin now, bubbling under the surface, this thick, dark, viscous substance. It's like all the bad in him has become one writhing mass. He doesn't like it at all. Sometimes it threatens to burst out of him at the smallest of things: Mr. Graves touching him, Ma hitting him, people bumping him, people saying rude things to him. Sometimes he wonders what would happen if he _did_ let it out. 

\---

He's really done it this time. He's sure he was the one that killed that man (he called you freak he has a right to die he's awful he's bad), and now he's killed Ma and he hasn't seen Chastity so he thinks he's killed her too. He's awful he's bad he's so so terrible but he's found the kid and he touches the amulet and he asks Mr. Graves for help he begs he says _**please please help help me**_ and Mr. Graves slaps him and calls him nothing. He tells him to snap out of it and that Modesty is in danger but he doesn't understand Modesty isn't the killer because _Credence_ is the killer he's a murderer, a monster, an abomination. 

Mr. Graves makes Credence lead him to Modesty, so he goes to the house of Modesty’s real family, where she sometimes goes because she misses them. It’s old and decrepit, and he’s sure it’ll crumble into dust any day now. As Mr. Graves walks up the stairs, he calls Credence a squib, says there’s nothing he can do to help Credence gain magic, says that his mother being dead was his reward. Credence hates the way his own voice shakes when he responds. Mr. Graves doesn’t get to know how much it tears him apart inside. His whole body is shaking now. Mr. Graves has found Modesty. Credence’s anger makes the walls between them collapse until he can see Mr. Graves and Mr. Graves him. He watches Mr. Graves and sees the minute change in his expression as he finally realizes that Credence is the child he was looking for all along. Suddenly he’s being all friendly and nice again. 

_**Credence, I owe you an apology.** _

_**I trusted you. I thought you were my friend. I thought you were different.**_ He still wants to believe that there’s someone that hasn’t lost faith in him. He desperately wants someone that wants him for him. Even if Mr. Graves is mean, he was one of the first people to be nice. He doesn’t want to lose any of the people that have been nice to him. 

_**You can control it. Credence.**_ Now _Credence_ is the one who is forced to realize something: Mr. Graves has been using him. It hurts. It hurts so much. It makes him hate himself for believing in all that Mr. Graves has said. But now he doesn’t have to be under the control of Mr. Graves anymore. He doesn’t have to stay and listen to anything Mr. Graves says if all he’ll do is manipulate Credence. 

_**I don’t think I want to, Mr. Graves.**_ He loses control.

\---

He regains control of his body and slips underground. He doesn’t feel safe in it right now and switches back to the smoky form, hiding in a corner. Someone’s been following him and he can hear them walking closer to where he is. The person hides behind a pillar and it obstructs Credence’s view of them. It makes him feel safer, like he could pretend there’s nobody else here.

_**Credence. It’s Credence isn’t it? I’m here to help you.**_ He lets the person keep talking. It’s a distinctly male voice and it sounds kind. _**Credence. Listen, I’m not here to hurt you.**_ He starts walking slowly to Credence’s hiding spot and Credence sees it’s the man in blue from his Ma’s rally. _**I’ve met someone just like you Credence. A girl, a young girl who’d been imprisoned. She had been locked away and she’d been punished for her magic.**_ This man knows what he is. This man could have the answers. This man might be able to fix him! He changes back to his corporal form and huddles with his back against the wall. The man has stopped on the other side of the railroad track in a similar position. Credence is relieved when he doesn’t make any effort to maintain eye contact with Credence. 

_**Credence, can I come over to you? Can I come over?**_ He’s the first person to ask Credence if he’s allowed to be near him. He’s the first person to wait for a response. Credence is about to say yes when Mr. Graves appears and holds out a stick like the one under Modesty’s bed and says things and hurts the man in blue again and again. Credence stands up and starts walking farther from Mr. Graves and all the while the man in blue is in front of him. Mr. Graves isn't paying him any attention; he just keeps hurling spells at the man in blue and Credence is crying now. He changes back to the smoke and moves rapidly towards Mr. Graves, who disappears. He hadn't heard footsteps coming down the stairs, but Miss Goldstein is at the foot of the steps. 

_**Credence, no.**_ He stills near the ceiling where no one can physically reach him. _**Don't do this, Credence, please.**_

_**Keep talking Tina. He'll listen to you. He's listening.**_ The man in blue is talking now. Credence can see that he's still on the ground, but he doesn't seem to be in too much pain now. Tina starts talking and he focuses back on her. 

_**I know what that woman did. I know that you've suffered. You need to stop this now. Newt and I will protect you. This man, he's using you.**_ So the man in blue is Newt. Mr. Newt. And Miss Goldstein knows too that Mr. Graves has been using him. It must have been so so conspicuous, and he is ashamed to have fallen for Mr. Graves’s lies and deception. 

_**Don't listen to her Credence. I want you to be free. It's alright.**_ He's starting to feel agitated again. He doesn't want Mr. Graves. He wants Miss Goldstein and Mr. Newt. A small part of him wants Mr. Graves dead. He hears the pounding of footsteps coming down the stairs. They all have those sticks that are probably wands. Miss Goldstein, Mr. Newt, and Mr. Graves turn to the people. 

_**Shhh! Don't. You'll frighten him.**_ Her voice is insistent and she has a hand out towards them. She has turned her body so she could see both Credence and the people. 

_**Wands down! Anyone hurt him you'll answer to me.**_ Mr. Graves says this. If it had been when Credence was younger, he'd have believed that it was because he cared about Credence. Now Credence knows it's only because of the power that he has. He wants to tear down Mr. Graves. 

_**Credence. Shhhh.**_ Miss Goldstein is trying to get him to calm down and he tries so so hard for her. He doesn't move, just stays where he is even though he wants to hurt Mr. Graves. Even though he wants to go to her. 

It all happens so fast. As if rehearsed, they all start casting the same spell at Credence. It hurts. It hurts so so much. It feels like his body is on fire. It feels a million times worse than Ma’s beatings. Part of him can't wait for it to stop. Part of him knows he deserves this for all the destruction he's caused. 

\---

He regains consciousness as a black wisp floating around. When he looks at his surroundings, he notices he's near the dock, so he moves towards it. Anything would be better than staying with all the bad memories. Once aboard the boat, he sees a particular shade of blue that catches his eye. He follows it and finds Mr. Newt. Perhaps his new life won't be so bad, after all.


End file.
